Energy flows where your attention goes. But not in the way you may think. When you have a problem, your natural reflex may be to focus on it more. That strategy works in a lot of areas of life. But not when you are trying to have a baby. We can control some things but not others. Once you have your treatment plan in place you are a passenger. You need to do what your doctor asks you to do and follow directions about appointments etc…But that is all you can do. It can be frustrating to be a passenger. But Valentines Day is the perfect time to put your energy to good use. You can redirect your attention to an area of your life that may be neglected. Your relationship. If you are not in a primary relationship you can redirect your energy to those who love and care for you.
Up until now you probably have been spending a lot of time thinking about your family building, and maybe you are having a secret love affair with Dr. Google who promises to give you relief from your problems. The truth is that Dr. Google can take you down a deep rabbit hole. Once you have begun your journey there is not much you can do and focusing on the treatment, and the stress and anxiety involved in researching and reading about it endlessly not only causes more anxiety and frustration but takes your attention away from your partner and / or loved ones.
So this Valentines day lets press the reset button ok? Valentines day is an adult holiday. It’s a time for love and to connect or reconnect with the people you love.
I know it may feel scary to put more energy into your relationship. You may feel like you’re taking your hands off the wheel but remember these three things about the length of time you will be in treatment….
- This wont last forever- you need to nurture your relationship because when treatment has ended, you will still have each other and you want to feel connected
- This wont last forever-you can’t make your treatment go faster or work better by putting energy into it so why not try to create some fun moments that may even turn into fun memories
- This wont last forever-your body, mind and spirit may have taken a beating through this process and now you have a good excuse to nurture yourself
So how can you do this? This month, make a pledge to give as much energy to your relationship as you give to your fertility treatment.
Here are five tips to get you going.
- Plan things together that are intimate but don’t have to be sexual. You may not feel like having sex right now and that is ok. Intimacy is more important right now and can reconnect you emotionally and physically. You can give each other a weekly couples massage, play some calming music, light candles or make a fire and read together, start a new series on tv, or cook together.
- Plan activities together. Dinners, theatre, comedy clubs, or make plans with people whose company you enjoy. Put these things on the calendar so you have things to look forward to together. Even if you don’t feel like going to that play, you will have some level of distraction and a better evening than if you had stayed home.
- Commit to generosity. Generosity is one of the best antidotes for fear and anxiety. So be generous to each other and others. You can take turns each week surprising each other with little gifts, cook each other dinner, do each others errands, etc…Or plan something that you don’t like but you know your partner would love. Be generous outside of the marriage together. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, become a big brother or a big sister, foster an animal. You can even commit to doing something generous for every day for the month.
- Next is gratitude. It’s hard to feel grateful when you’re unsuccessfully trying to have a baby. Yet, finding gratitude every day can boost your mood and leave you open to possibilities you may have never considered. Tell each other three things you are grateful for every day. It can be as simple as being grateful for the heart that beats in your chest, a sunny day, a majestic tree and of course each other.
- Last, don’t forget to love yourself. Even though the outside world can’t always acknowledge how much heart and soul you have put into your family building efforts, you know. So make sure to stop and lick your wounds. Do something nice for yourself that you normally wouldn’t do.
It’s Valentines Day. We often look back at holidays, anniversaries and birthdays and remember what we were doing during that time. Its no fun going through treatment or waiting for that baby to arrive, but you can remember it as a time when you stopped to smell the roses and took a little break to channel your energy into your relationship and yourself.
Wishing you a grateful and connected Valentines Day!